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Talk:Kavan 'Davil
, not including the nowiki tags if you're viewing this in source.}} . I'm sure that you could mention some kind of rivalry with other Sangeili during this time, but the 'Naval Academy' section needs a major rewrite at this point. *As mentioned before, Kavan's rise through the ranks is ridiculously quick. Joining the naval forces at the age of twenty and being personally responsible for numerous glassings just isn't plausible for someone so young. **This is a section that really needs expanding on. Instead of glossing over many years of his career, why don't you highlight some important events in Kavan's life and battles that meant something to him instead of giving us this big gap where he gets promoted. Shipmasters tend to earn their positions after fighting in the field for some time, so this is a great opportunity to show Kavan building up towards that. **Also, when highlighting ship names, use two apostrophes instead of three so it comes up in italics instead of in bold. *While an attempt by the UNSC to seize a Covenant ship is an interesting one, why would Kavan sit around carving something for an hour while an enemy boarding party is making its way towards his bridge? The fact that he doesn't bother to drive back the invaders until his life is personally in danger seems a little odd, unless that's a deliberate character flaw on his part. Also, why would he deliberately have his SpecOps Sangheili drop him onto a planet just so he could spread word of his own deeds? Keep in mind that he's a Shipmaster, and should have no reason to abandon his warship in the middle of a battle. **This section could do with a rewrite but has some good ideas behind it. There's also a lot of spelling and grammar errors here that really need fixing up. *'Fleet of Devout Earnest' doesn't really mean anything. **Try 'Earnest Devotion' instead. *There was no way that the Covenant knew that Reach was the planet where the SPARTAN-II's were trained. While the existence of Spartans was made public by the UNSC in 2547, everything regarding their training was kept classified. Reach's importance came from the planet being a massively important military hub for the UNSC. **Just remove any mention of the Spartans. *The Devoted Sentries were a group of Covenant Zealots. Keep in mind that Zealots are fanatical devotees of the Covenant religion that serve the and are not a general rank found within the Covenant military. As such, it doesn't make much sense that a Fleet Master would take one of his random subordinates - who is still responsible for his own ship - and attach them to a group of his elite warriors for basically no reason. **Unless you're willing to make Kavan a Zealot beforehand - this is something that needs to be mentioned before he suddenly transfers into the Sentries - I'd remove everything pertaining to him joining their group. Having him help plan out the initial invasion of Reach is fine, though taking him out of the Devoted Sentries would also remove him from the attack on Visegrad, which was carried out by the Zealot group alone. Also, it's Noble Team, not 'Nobel'. *There's a number of problems with his involvement in the Fall of Reach and Battle of Installation 04, which I'll now list: **A Jiralhanae War Chieftain should not have been able to overrule a Sangheili Shipmaster, though as I've stated, Kavan should have been commanding a ship over Reach instead of directly leading troops on the ground. **Declaring Noble Six his rival seems a little strange, as is him suddenly noticing the Spartan and directing troops against him. While Spartans are greatly feared by the Covenant, it's extremely unlikely that they were able to pinpoint Six's location and dispatch troops to deal with him directly after he arrived in New Alexandria. This and Kavan hunting him down later really seems like an excuse for him to interact and kill a canon character to me. **As I've mentioned, there's no way that they would promote a Sangheili in his early thirties with just over a decade of service to the rank of Fleet Master, so remove that section. **Kavan's presence aboard the Truth and Reconciliation as John-117's team boarded it makes very little sense and conflicts greatly with the established canon. Remove it. **There's absolutely no way that Kavan or the Covenant were aware that John-117 intended to destroy Halo by detonating the Pillar of Autumn's reactors; even Thel 'Vadam had no idea of what was going on until it was too late. The Covenant stationed aboard the crashed ship were likely salvaging it for anything useful. **The scene with Johnson hugging the Sangheili is a completely non-canon easter egg that was put into the game for humorous purposes, nothing more. There's no way that something like that would actually have occurred as Johnson and several others had already escaped Halo aboard a Pelican. **The only Covenant fleet stationed at Installation 04 were the Fleet of Particular Justice. Kavan's ship would need to have been assigned to that fleet for it to be present for the battle. *Why is it Sangheili getting replaced by Jiralhanae that makes Kavan doubt the Covenant religion? Keep in mind that their religion is centred around Forerunner worship and the idea that firing the Halos would lead to their transcendence, much of which was shattered when it was revealed that they were actually life-cleansing superweapons instead. ---- Here's some rather general advice about fixing things up and writing in general: *Kavan's albinism never appears in a single picture on this page and honestly comes across as an attempt to make the character seem more unique without any of the disadvantages such as poor eyesight and a sensitivity to sunlight that affects many humans and animals with the condition. While there are Sangheili with a lighter skin tone like Jul 'Mdama and his son (who took up the moniker of 'Pale Blade' because of it), the fact that Kavan's homeland is the State of Vadam would imply that he would be of a similar tone to Thel. Putting it simply, unless you're going to actually have it represented, I'd lose the albinism thing entirely. *This has been stated before, but I'd just like to reiterate that Kavan rises through the ranks way too quickly for his young age. This, coupled with his great accomplishments and involvement with several major characters - killing one and surviving a fight with another - really starts to veer Kavan into 'Gary Stu' territory, which is a term used to describe seemingly perfect, overpowered characters. My advice to you would be to put a lot of focus into Kavan's personality and the obstacles he has had to overcome in his life. Having a character who effortlessly climbs to the top and holds a ridiculously high rank and important position makes for a boring read, after all. The detail about his love for carving models is a great character quirk that makes him stand out, so think about him as a person instead of focusing on his accomplishments. *A lot of the language you use on the page is very informal and is not only unsuitable for a character article, but for a Sangheili to say in general. For example, there's absolutely no way a Sangheili would call someone a "bloody retarded asshole" as it simply doesn't fit how they speak. As stated earlier, you're writing this as if he were a human. Write him as a Sangheili. Pages like this are generally written in a formal manner, like you'd see in any wikia or wikipedia article, so keep that in mind in the future. *Throughout the article there are a ton of spelling and grammar mistakes that really need to be rectified. I would highly recommend either running the page through a program with a spellchecker and to ensure that you are using the correct spellings and words throughout, as stuff like that really drags the quality of a page down. *It's a very minor thing, but on this site we prefer to use Halopedia instead of Halo Nation when linking to canonical things as that site is generally considered to be a better source of information. Halopedia links would look like this: on pages (ignoring the nowiki tabs if you're viewing this in editing mode). I know this seems like quite a lot of things to fix and can be very daunting to look at, but I assure you that everything here is meant to improve the quality of your article. If you want to take a look at other prominent Sangheili pages on the site, I'd suggest taking a look at Shinsu 'Refum, Sev 'Ikavowattinrzo or my own Toru 'Makhan for their own distinct stories. If you need any assistance, feel free to ask me or another admin either here or on our Discord chat and we'll be happy to help. You have two weeks to bring this article up to a proper standard, so best wishes to you! }}